Did I say that out loud?

At what point did I become this thought disordered, fuzzy-headed, tongue-tied individual? I used to be relatively cool, calm and collected – or at least give the impression of being so. I always managed to carry out intelligent and relevant dialogue in most settings and could adjust my demeanour to reflect the situational context eg. professional at work, relaxed and easy going in a social setting, etc.

Nowadays though I’m in a perpetual state of mental disorganisation; never able to find the right words, forever losing my train of thought mid-sentence and constantly forgetting the simplest things. The most perplexing development, however, is that my ability to articulate thoughts and feelings in an appropriate manner to an appropriate (and receptive) audience seems to have dissipated completely. I now suffer from a chronic case of foot-in-mouth.

Why today, for example, would I tell a prospective new childcare service that my 4 year old has neurotic tendencies and his brother is a thug who shouldn’t be trusted in a room with small babies?! These aren’t things that reflect well on my children or myself and aren’t even necessarily that accurate out of context (well… BamBam  probably is a thug regardless of context).  Somehow my internal filter for processing such thoughts as they pop into my head has completely disappeared. Even while they are escaping my lips I am thinking “Mouth is open, should be closed!”. I know most people have such moments but this state of random, inappropriate disclosure seems to be never ending for me.

I have no doubt that motherhood and all it brings (sleep deprivation, constant multi-tasking and a trillion competing demands) has absolutely everything to do with my memory loss & occasional thought disorder. But what of this perpetual stream of inner most thoughts flowing uncensored through my mouth? When will it end??


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