A post about depression. Or motherhood? Or maybe both…

One of the primary reasons I started to blog was to help me to consciously reflect on everyday life (the good, the bad & the ugly) and to capture my boys’ childhood.

So much of their baby days are a blur. Where did it go? What did I do? I didn’t go out much. No Playgroup or mother’s group. Maybe the odd play date with friends who had kids. I certainly wasn’t the best at being Suzy Homemaker. I wasn’t even blogging until well after I returned to work.

What was I doing?

Surviving.

I’m sure at times I was in “the moment”. I have brief recollections and thankfully thousands of photographs to trigger memories of happy times but mostly it feels like time lost in an overwhelming sea of repetition and exhaustion. Punctuated by frustration and helplessness.

When I think too hard about it I cry. Cry for me, as that time lost can never be regained. Cry for my babies who on many days only had a mother in body, not in spirit.

Things will change. My focus is now on the present. I will be here for them. For me.

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Comments

  1. I think your word will touch the hearts of most Mothers. I’ve been there. … love and hugs Sunny

  2. You have described me. I was much the same and struggled with the demands of babies and each day was certainly survival mode and a blur. I always knew motherhood would be hard, demanding and sleep deprived, but really I wasn’t prepared.
    These days are much better although sometimes I still go into survival mode. I too am trying to focus on the now and enjoy the moment and remember to soak it in and smile. 🙂

  3. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mother, perfect employee, perfect friend. They have articles about women trying to juggle work and family, but it goes so much further. When our mothers were mothers, not only were (most of them) homemakers, they didn’t have cameras attached to every piece of equipment they owned and be expected to capture every significant (and not so significant) moment lest be thought of as uncaring. So they were happy to just “get through” and hopefully come out the other end unscathed. They mostly just let kids entertain themselves – I, for one, don’t remember my mother “entertaining” me – the odd game of cards and cuddles on the lounge are about all I can recall. And you know my mother – the most calm person ever – even she only managed the early childhood years with the aid of “pink medicine” (whatever that may be – haha). All I know is that you have two loving, polite, intelligent young men to your credit, so whatever you *think* is happening, you must be doing a whole lot right xxxxx

  4. Oh huni – I feel this I really really do. I have such vivid memories of my oldest and my youngest child, but my gorgeous middle boy – it is all just a blur of PND blah xx BIG HUG xx

  5. Look after yourself and the rest will follow. Beautiful post x

  6. Oh Nee lovey. I really feel for you. (Wish I could wrap my arms around you.) If I dwell on it too much, I too feel exactly the same. I think I had a visit from a social worker every fortnight for the first 2 years and then the first year of Ben’s life. That’s what I remember the most of those early days of motherhood. The social worker’s visits helping me to survive. I’m lucky I’ve got a few photos to reflect on and remember these things. I hate when I see people who have photos of their kid’s first steps, their first hair cut, the first this or that. I barely have their first birthday or first tooth photos. I beat myself up all the time about it but I get through it by thinking that they know no different but can remember their Mum being here for them when they had a fall or a cold or a cut finger and to tuck them in bed each night and read them a story. That’s all they worry about oh, and toys! (By the way, they live in total squalor and have done every day of their life except for the first couple of months of their lives when I tried to keep the house spotless and someone told me not to worry about it. I took their advice.)

    Lots of love and kisses from here xx

  7. Those early years are so often a blur. You hit the nail on the head with surviving. Sometimes that is all we can do. fairy wishes and butterfly kisses to you

  8. I totally get what you’re saying. The first few years are certainly survival – especially when there’s a quick succession of children. It’s hard to treasure the moments when you’re caught in the day-to-day repetition compounded by sleep exhaustion. Everything is cloudy. It’s good when the fog begins to lift, and things start to become easier in a sense. A quote a friend of mine always says is ‘This too shall pass’. And it does. Focusing on the here and now, rather than rushing through or wishing the moments away has helped me to do more than just survive.

    • I find myself thinking “This too shall pass” all the time Deb. I often worry I’m wishing their lives away though. Focusing on the moment is definitely the key x

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